I have not posted in a very long time. I do have a lot to get off my chest, and I just need to let it out. I am not going to mention any names, and I am not going to maliciously talk about someone. One of the things that I know will happen when I continue in my journey is relationships with people. When life eventually has you to start interacting with people conflict is likely to come into the picture. Most of the time it is bound to happen. I think a year ago I would have a different perspective to this. My mom always would tell me people have falling outs, and that it is normal. I used to see conflict as a failure. I would one year ago blame myself. I would find some way to blame myself for the conflict. I would find fault, and I would ignore the other side of the situation by not blaming the other person. I would hurt so much, and then I would get angry at myself. I would not stand up for myself when I knew deep down inside I had no fault. I guess sometimes for me it was easier to be the problem than try to confront the problem of it maybe being someone else I just am not meant to be friends with.
Now, after the year of learning more about myself I also have learned more about other people. I see the degree of attention and willingness I would do for others. I used to put so much on friendships. I would listen to every situation someone else had, I would always make sure I could be there for someone when I was able to, and I think quite honestly I would live for my relationships with friends than I did myself. I have had some emotional days lately. I cannot blame just one situation. I cannot blame one person for how I am feeling. I am disappointed at ideas and actions of the past few days. Mostly I am angered at myself not for being at fault, but for putting myself in situations where I have been taken advantage of. I always try to give everyone basic respect. I rarely said no to things like hang-outs, facetimes, car rides, and overall just favors for other people. There were times I did not want to, but I was so focused on my friendships that I never did. I would erase the things I subtly saw of people using me and being ignored with great fantasies of friendships and mutualness with my peers. I imagine everyone getting along, and when I did everything for someone else there would be no way the frienship could go the wrong way. I realized I had rose-colored glasses when I myself could not face reality. I am a nice person, but everyone has their limits. I am not going to allow myself to feel the way I did when I felt alone.
I have my family. I have my direct family, and I do not have any direct first family relatives in the United States. I did not grow up with cousins to hang out with, I did not see my aunts and uncles every holiday, and I know why. My dad does not have any siblings, and all my cousins live in another country. If anything, I have nothing to complain about because I lived a blessed life. I am the one who got to live where I am today. I think this problem of mine would be considered a first word problem. Every holiday there would be six or four of us. I loved it, but once I got older and heard about my friends meeting with their other families I felt left out. I rarely had friends outside of school, and I was extremely shy. How could I make any friends? I am better at making friends one-on-one, so I stuck with one person or a small group of friends for a lot of my life. I think I used my friends as a way to feel like I had a relative. I put so much into my friendships, and that in return would make me feel more accepted. I would ignore the bad stuff happening. I would ignore the neglect they would put on me, then I went to high school to learn my lesson.
I remember first day of freshmen year I wanted to be less awkward, and I wanted to look better physically. I used to have glasses and braces, so I wanted a change. I wore makeup and dressed nicely. Haha that lasted for a week. I talked to one person, and the first day I had no one to sit with. What made it even worse was that I kept moving from one floor of the school to another. I looked like the lonely kid who could find no one. I must have been imagining it, but so many people were looking at me. I felt like poop. The next day I made sure I talked to people. I sat with someone, and I think that was one of the scariest things for me. I made friends, and I had a really fun freshmen year actually. Sophomore year came. I think probably the worst social year for me. First off, let me mention I cut my own hair and it was uneven and too short. I rocked that for awhile. As the year went on I did not have classes with the people I made friends with freshmen year that much. I had two really good friends. I got really close to them, but no one else. They also had their group of friends, so sometimes they would just leave me. I would sometimes spend my lunch in the bathroom or in the library pretending to do work. I did not have friends in my classes except the the two really. I really felt what it was like to feel alone even when there are so many people around you. I also have been on the other side. I vividly remember kindergarten. I was with a group of friends, and we talked to this one girl. I liked hanging out with the girl, but the other girls did not. They would ignore her, and I guess walk away from her on the playground. How kindergarten is that? After recess I would say sorry to her after I walked away with the other girls. She said it was fine, but I will never forget how I made her feel. It is really one of the worst things you could do at that age. I really hope she is doing well right now. Maybe it was karma, so I guess I deserved it a little.
I think that is a huge reason to why I joined Peer Diversity. I would be able to spend my lunches not questioned by others what I was doing by making posters for Peer Diversity. I could be productive, and I would not have to stay in the cafeteria. If anything, I think being in Peer Diversity made me feel like I belonged and was important. I would always say Peer Diversity was my baby, but now I think I am realizing that the club helped me grow. I had Peer Diversity when nothing else was going right. I realized during my sophomore year that I never wanted to feel that way again. I know everyone goes through that, so we all just have to push on through. I do have extended family where I live, but even then they did not make my family feel welcome at all. It was time to change that. I started treating everyone with respect. I would always try to put my best foot forward when it came to people. I started to get in control of my situation. The problem arises again when people took advantage of it.
Recently, I felt like that again. I felt alone, but this time with my close friends. I am not going to say the exact situation, but given the circumstances I felt like poop yet again. I was in control of the situation, but I felt inferior and defenseless. After everything I do for my friends they treat me and others unfairly. It is not the fact that I did not feel like a longtime friend, but the fact that they did not treat me like a friend. A friendship means trust. I cannot reiterate that enough. There is unspoken knowledge that friends do not have to say everything about their lives. That is not the point. The point is that I know that my friend will not judge me, and I will care about whatever it is they are talking about just to judge them. I will accept my friend, but there are limits. There should never be questioning of where friends lie. It is one thing to tell someone you do not feel like sharing, but it is another to make the other person feel like that are less of a friend to not tell them something. I was clearly mistaken.
I am not mad that they would not tell me something personal, but to make me feel like they do not trust me or that I would judge them is so disheartening. If anything, that is on your part not mine. Do not say you have something to say or are talking about something, and then tell me that I cannot hear it. The whole basis of friend is on trust. If something like that is compromised even when it is not direct, then there is so much more going on than surface problems. This is not even with just friendships, but with any interaction or relationship. I have learned I need to speak up for myself and for people that need to hear it. I need to also confront a problem just as much I would like someone close to me let me know when they feel like I am causing a problem. Friendships are hard, but they are never blurry. The problems are there, but the situation is tricky when conflict might be created. In a friendship we both know what we know. We both know that there are problems, but the question is who will actually say it? I know that for the best of any relationship things need to start being said. I need to start being more honest and open on my part. Sometimes you need to be blunt, and I think right now for me it is a good time to be. We both know what we know…
I hope you have a great day.
Always remember to take time for yourself to just get things through your head.
I will be back.
I have so much more to say.