Thursday was the second time that I decided to cheat. The first thing that I had that day were two sets of sandwiches with cheese and turkey. I drank a lot of water, and I had a banana. But that was definitely not enough for me. I had several meetings that day. First one was at 10:30 AM. I wasn’t eating the amount that I usually do, so I decided to replace that urge with sleep. I would be in very deep periods of sleep (something I am not used to), and it threw off my whole schedule.

My first meeting was at 10:30 AM, and I realized that I woke up at 10:20 am. I only had about 10 minutes to get to my meeting. I was hungry the whole time. I was thinking about food. I never noticed so intensely before, but there was candy on his desk. I personally like eating food to ease my anxiety, or if I’m feeling anxious. I usually eat a piece of candy whenever I am in my boss’s office. I started getting anxious, and I couldn’t eat that piece of candy that was too close for comfort. I was talking about some pretty intense conversations I had with my residents that I needed his advice on how to help.

It really hit me when sometimes people are not paying attention. The other person notices it so quickly, but now I realize sometimes the person not paying attention could not help it. As I realize what I am writing what was happening to me was totally different than what the people around me noticed. They noticed me more tired and moody. I think I usually am really tired, but I had a difference in character this whole week. When I was doing the fire drill I was thinking about getting food and getting anxious about all the things I had to do. I started worrying myself in my head, but I also had to be present for what was happening in the situation. I am the Senior Resident Assistant, so I had to be the one leading the fire drills. Sometimes I would understand what people were saying, but sometimes my mind would wander and my body would just lead the way. I think in this case it was my stomach that was leading the way. I need to give people more benefit of the doubt. They may not be hungry, but people may have other things going on with them. It is a hard out there.

The next part of the meeting was a blur. I was a little zoned out, and then all of a sudden I was in the moment with a piece of candy in my mouth.  I am a WEAK person, and I did not even realize I opened the piece of candy and proceeded to open it. I was talking to him, and I could barely focus on what he was saying and then I won’t. I suddenly had food in my mouth. After that, I was more diligent on where my food was coming from I am not the type of person to plan ahead and schedule my meals when I get hungry. That is such a huge privilege and an accommodation for living on campus and having a meal plan here throughout the day. I had about three bowls of cereal but I could only get them when I was in my room, so I ate a banana. I had a few of my cheese crackers with me.

I know this week going to be very ironic in the fact that there would be free food offered to me through events, and I would not be able to eat it. I already cheated on Wednesday with the free pizza, so I would try not to do that.  I ended up going to an RA celebration because it was already RA appreciation week. I was one of the people that helped plan it, and I also was the only person that could not end up eating it. We bought some Chick-fil-A nuggets,  and there were some great cookies things that I personally like because I helped plan it. It was super sad once people were getting in line they noticed that I ended up going to my backpack and getting a banana. Since they were my staff they knew that I was on this challenge, and they kept saying “you should cheat it’s just Chick-fil-A nuggets. Who’s going to find out?”. I knew I messed up already that day I couldn’t do it again, so with willpower, I was able to not eat those Chick-fil-A nuggets. I never voluntarily say no to food, and so it was definitely a change in the way I interact with people. I eat to ease my feelings, and it helps me distract myself when I get nervous.

Due to my job I ended up having to help out afterward and having to talk to RAS on situations that they’ve had for us to figure out how to solve. I was half paying attention to them and half thinking about what I was going to eat I did not plan beforehand before the 8 PM party to bring something other than a banana. I got back to my room at about 11:30 p.m., and I ate another bowl of cereal and kept eating bowls of cereal until I became full again. I was not a smarty-pants when I bought things, but there were three soup cans that I bought didn’t have an opener, I was not able to get a can opener. I was frustrated and hungry. Don’t get me wrong there were a lot of times when cereal tasted really good, but I also wanted a hot meal at one point. I wanted just to eat some of the food that was in my fridge and the bananas that were starting to turn a little dark we’re not as appetizing anymore.

I am going to keep trying. 🙂

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