January 16, 2016 | 10:52 a.m.

Hello everyone! I have much to talk about, so let us get started on this very sunny morning. First off, I have a three day weekend! I am very glad I can catch up on sleep and work. My schedule is very different from last semester, so I am trying to adjust myself to that. During the break I mostly slept and was at home. It has been an interesting adjustment to make matters even worse.

Anyways, my goal of doing more spontaneous things was given an opportunity when there was a dance offered by my school. It was on Friday, and that is what I did last night! Thanks to all the people who made it a fun night!

I think one thing to note is that I am not a party person by any means. I consider myself an introvert once I discovered what the meaning of it was. I used to think the term ” introvert” indicated a negative connotation. I used to think it meant to be shy and not put yourself out there. I now know being an introvert means gaining your energy through alone time, and then be able to go out and socialize. It does not mean being a “hermit” or being “unsocial” because it means you like to give yourself that peaceful time. I think no one is 100% introvert or extrovert. You just see yourself more as one than the others.

I used to be very shy, so I thought I was an introvert. I hated the idea of dressing up and going out to socialize. How despicable of me. I think though I confused being shy and being an introvert. I never wanted to go out. It physically pained me to think of being in an environment like that. I had many outgoing friends, and I just did not fit into the equation. Something they would not even think twice about I would think for hours. Whenever I used to go out I used to think of ways in advance to prep myself to only end up not going.

I now realize that I have changed. My mindset changed on me being shy, and also my perception of what being an introvert was. Why should I put myself down when I am the way I am? I should not blame being an introvert on how I live my life. I do not consider myself  very shy anymore, but now I do proudly say I am an introvert.

Everyone needs alone time to charge up, but I just prefer it. I used to think something was wrong with me, but that is what makes me the best me. I did care how people thought about me, and I still do in a certain regard. I do in the fact make it known that I will treat every human being with the same amount of respect no matter what makes them different. I am so aware of myself that now I know to just be myself fully because most people will never how you are.

I rememeber one of my really good friends thought I was a *insert bad word here* because I laughed during class role. I was talking to my friend, and I was not laughing at anyone at all. Weirdly timed and basic inferences shape the way we think of someone, so we should all just assume first that people mean well. There are people we are not supposed to be friends with, but that should not make us think any less of them if we do not know them. I mean we cannot judge a book by its laughs.Also I know I am not a very social person, but I can always every once in awhile go out and have fun. Everyone needs that. I have a good range of close friends that help me in that.

In that and in other things I have learned to love myself. 

This video is really enlightening on the idea of introverts. Great watch.

Next part of this blog actually happened this morning. I woke up early for a Saturday, and so I dove into the world of Pinterest. I was thinking about how I always see these Myer-Briggs personality related quotes. I never knew what type I was, so after a huge scavenger hunt I took a test. Let’s just say I hit a breakthrough. Let it be known I am an INFP.

It was actually quite frightening how accurate it was. I know I am not fully an INFP, which is what an INFP say, but I associate myself with it the most. Here is what the letters mean.

Introvert, Intuitive , Feeling , Perceiving

I just felt so myself after I read the results. I never took a test that was close to how I was except maybe a Buzzfeed quiz. I felt at home with how I am. Only 4% of the population are INFP. The traits that were discussed in my results are not generally accepted in society. I am not an extrovert, I do not work in straight lines, my mind wanders, I feel too much, and I think everything will work out. I used to think that these were bad things about me, but again I should not feel bad for how I am. Why fight who I am!!?

I may not be social by society standards, but I do speak up on what I believe in. I am not comfortable with PDA, but I care so deeply for people that it hurts me. I think the best in everyone, but I need to learn to find the best in myself. I do not talk about my feelings even with my closest people, but I now make sure I give the time to the people around me.

I should not care about every little criticism that comes my way. I need to know when to balance work and thought. I need to be more aware of my passions and just go for it. I need to work on myself, and then I know things will work out. I know I do not like talking in groups, but I can prepare one heck of a speech when I am speaking in front of an audience. I know where my beliefs are, and I also know everyone has their own. I know I say sorry to inanimate objects. I know I imagine many scenarios, and I feed off of my thoughts that  I daydream.

One of these traits became prominent recently. I like to listen to people’s feelings, but I never listen to my own. I remember my friend told me that I do so much for them, but they cannot return the favor because I never talk about myself. I did not think about it until recently. Multiple people used to tell me I was different because people do not act the way I do. I know they meant it was a compliment, but I always felt wary of it. In the speeches for my Debut I was suprised at how much people were touched by my actions towards them. I always thought people cared to listen, but they said the world would be better if there were more people like me. This threw me off for a second. I am nice, but I assumed everyone was nice. I do believe the world is good, and mostly people I am surrounded by do not. I may be naive in a sense, but I did not want that to be what seperates me from everyone else.

We all should treat each other well, so I was just doing what I thought eveyone else was. That is why even for a good thing I felt so different, but I am starting to realize that it should be my strength. I hope whoever you are reading this knows that there are good people out there that care for you whether they know you or not. If anything, there is good about this world and you have a purpose for it. There is my INFP showing.

Anyways people feel bad that they tell me their problems because I never tell them of mine. I can see where they come from. It may seem my life is always okay, and I just try to help those who do not have that okay. As if from pity. That cannot be farther from the truth. Maybe it partially has to do with my culture. In that influence you are told to just not talk about your problems. You do not want gossip, so without me realizing it I just instinctively hide my feelings even up to the point from myself. I would ignore the situation.

As I am growing up I am seeing a different side of it. I never want to burden people with my problems. I would then get upset secrtely at people when they do not check if I am okay. If I cannot even figure it out, then how can someone else? Especially if I never show it. What an ironic thing. I think even with my closest friends I have that wall. No one has been able to fully break it. I now understand why people do not open up, but for me it is a different reason. It does not mean that I do not want to, but I just do not know how. My family has always been so supportive of me, and they are always there for me. It is not their fault. It is just how I am. I would ignore the situation until it builds up.

It may have not been the topic at hand, but sometimes it just all pours out. I think it it good to do that. I may not be able to verbally say it, but I am glad I am taking the steps to figure myself out. I find my sense of things with my thoughts and now this blog!

Another trait that they mentioned was about work ethic and careers. I am in college right now, so the question of “what is your major?” or “what do you want to do” comes up on a daily basis. OF COURSE I know what I want to do for the rest of my life. This again brings in my background. I always felt left out, and I still sometimes think that. Learning about my personality type I know I am not interested in standard jobs. I know every kid says that, but I do not see myself in the typical Asian job. When you are Asian people do not like to say it, but reputation matters. Where you went to school, how many awards you have, in how many years you have achieved it, and how far ahead you are from everyone else.

Reading the conclusions about being an INFP I have come to terms with my values. There was a question on if you value “success” or “harmony”. I picked harmony. I never thought about it before, but that is what I would rather have. Of course I want success, but not in the sense that life is a competition. In sports I would say sorry everytime I won a point. I did not try to win in school games. I just want people to enjoy the ride. I want peace. I guess that is why they call INFPs the “mediator”. Do not get me wrong I always cheer for the underdog or can be a pretty good smack-talker, but just not when it comes to me.

I really do want to do the best I can. I can picture myself as a CEO of a business I make. I can see myself as a speaker. I can see myself as a Marketing or HR manager, which are not typical INFP jobs. I do not want to just do a job for the prestige or money. I want to know I am doing something good, and I want to know I am helping others. I would love to work at a non-profit or have a dual business that both donates and sells things. I want to know that I have found my purpose. That is not seen so lightly from my background. I am not saying by any means the people around me that have certain jobs are bad, but those jobs are not for me. I do sometimes wish that I want to be a lawyer or a doctor or an engineer. Something that takes many years of education to gain. I wish I could fit their image, but that is not who I am. I am not talking about my direct family because they are the most supportive they can be, and they would be happy in anything I can do. I am so grateful for them. It is just from the environment outside. I want to do something that I love, but I also want to give my family something to be proud of. I do not know if I can do both.

My family is very smart in their own right. I am not smart like them. They have sacrificed so much for me to do whatever I want. They would be happy to see me with an education and a good job. I want that to, but I do not know if I can fully live up to all the other kids. I know I did not get into the colleges that they pictured me in, and that breaks my heart I could not continue that. I just hope I can do something that they would be proud of.  I am conflicted, but I think overall it will all work out.

Also this brings another point. I have thought many times about how people are never what people think they are to be. No one can know how someone is. Everyone goes through crap, and we are all on different paths. Who am I to judge someone else’s journey? I have never been a competitive person, but I always used to be aware of everyone else. I never liked competition in sports or work. I would though be so sensitive when someone would say the smallest detail against me. It seemed like a personal problem with me.

Sometimes what we hear from others speaks more about the person saying it than the person they are talking about. I feel so much, and I could not even comprehend how someone else could be feeling. The crazy part is that no one is born to hate or intentionally be mean to others. Through their own journey of tribulations they become that way. That blows my mind how much they have had to go through to be like that.

Sometimes there are people in your life who you think they are so blessed and have not gone through anything, but are mean to just be mean. That cannot be the full story. They have had to learn that from somewhere. I am not making an excuse, but it shows that people who overcame their situations are the strongest to make it better for someone else.  I love learning and thinking about these things through people and observation. I always used to be so in my thoughts that I may not always pay attention and get distracted. Haha this was evident in class sometimes. I would think about thse things and everything I write in this blog at the most random times. That is just who I am I know now.

Lastly I know that  I am flawed, but I am perfectly flawed.

I encourage you to take this quiz to learn your personality type.

http://www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test

There is a section where you can get a detailed plan on what path you should take  for your type, but I did not want to for two reasons. One is that it costs money. The more important reason was because I do not want to know. I know I have to take this journey on my own. I do not want to follow a certain path of guidance. I want to learn from my mistakes. I want to live fully and embrace all its ups and downs. I want to see the world in its purest form and not from the sidewalk. I am ready for my battle scars.

 I am not fighting me anymore. I will embrace all there is to offer. I will not be sorry for who I am. There are people like me, and with everyone we can all get through life together! I know we will all make it! Have a wonderful day! 😉

Update: As I was typing this blog this song played, and I think this represent me right now. I heard this song before as a feel good song, but now I think it holds a different meaning. I think my “sweet sweet melody” is me. I want to go back to me! I cannot wait.

Thank you got reading, and I hope you have a very good day! 🙂

-Alyssa

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