January 30, 2016 | 8:52 p.m.

Vitayu – Hello in Ukranian

I hope you are doing well. I have my RA interview this week. I have to catch up on my work. I am caught up with the readings, but I want to get a point where I feel I have a control on my life. I always think about my freshmen year in high school.

I had a clear perception during that time period in my life. I am not really sure what I wanted to be in that point. Well I still do not either, but on with the memory. I was leaning towards Math and Science because I tried applying to a school for that. I did not get in. I thought since Math and Science was in the family, and that I was able to learn better in those subjects I was going to lean towards that. I worked hard. I did things early. I worked out, and I lost a healthy amount of weight. I never did anything unhealthy to my body, but I felt like I needed to lose weight. I remember going to New York, and I saw myself in the mirror. I was always before the girl who had a growth spurt before a lot of other people before high school. I went to high school, and then I became average. Or at least I say I am average for an American, and I am tall for an Asian. I am Filipino, and I think being 5’6 is on the taller side. Anyways, I remember in between middle school and high school I ate a lot more. I would even test myself on how much I ate. Before I would eat anything, and I would still stay the same. All of sudden in New York I saw I had a belly. I was confused. It seemed like a blur. I always was wearing unflattering glasses, and I was dressing really conservatively. I was so aware of myself. I would think people would look at me funny, or judge what I wear. I mean everyone looks at you, but in the end they could care less. I put so much pressure on myself. It was up until the point that I would not even want to go out. I was so self-conscious. I would try to get out of church or a party. I did not come to terms with it at the time.

One day a little while back my friend who I was always friends with in middle school talked about how people used to make fun of my height. I was too tall and being on the thin side did not help the image. I got made fun of for being Asian, but specifically about me because there were other Asians there. It was from boys. I guess I just thought they were joking at the time. Maybe that was what it meant to have guy friends. I now know that is not the case. I guess I must look like I would be able to take those comments, but they were hurtful. I guess it is also why I am not good at making guy friends. Also the fact I was banned from the whole gender my whole life. Haha anyways I guess also with the mix of puberty I just became so self-conscious. I think everyone goes through this.

I am so mean to myself sometimes, but I would never want that to happen to anyone. I sometimes see that looks affect my sister, but she knows to love herself when I sometimes cannot. I wish to be a better role model for my sister. For a long time, I always used to play myself down. My looks, my achievements, and my struggles were never seen. I think my sister and I have reached a better level in helping that. I hope I can show my sister that she should love herself because she is such an amazing person. She can get through it all. I believe she will do such great things for sure, and I cannot wait to see. Wow, off topic again.

I am not really sure what I am discussing here, but I think I want this year to find the clear in the lost mess of my past and present. My freshmen year I had a pretty good grip on things. I felt in control, then it got lost again. When I do not want to confront something I ignore it. All those time in middle school I tried to only see the good. I got lost in the good memories. I basked in all the good people in my life, but by doing this also made me blind. I was blinded to the commments made to me. The way I thought made me not see all the bad experiences I had. I used to think that I just needed to see the good.

Sometimes I need to bask in the bad and go right up against the fear. I do not want fear to consume me. I want to be confident in myself. I was in control my freshmen year of college, but I was not myself. At first, I used to wear makeup. I used to dress a certain way, then I did not. Sophomore year I was went back to my middle school days. I did not wear makeup or worked out. I stopped working as hard as I did. I saw things my freshmen year that I chose to ignore, and I think my body reacted before my mind could. I just decided to hibernate, and to be self-conscious again. I always compared my life to freshmen year, but I cannot. I was different back then, and the situation was different. I will find my passion and drive another way. I need myself present for all parts of my life. I want to enjoy the good memories, I want to be happy in my skin, I want to do things for me, I want to be happy with what I have given, I have to accept things that have happened, and I have to take everything in.watch movie Black Butterfly now

I personally choose to not wear makeup all the time. My skin has not been good for the longest time. I used to try to hide it. I tried to use makeup to do that. I love makeup, and I think it great. I just do not use it for myself. I feel better when I do not have makeup. Maybe when I figure out how to do it, then I will use it. My skin has gotten better because I have gotten a routine down. I am starting to get healthier. I am starting to be me again.

I am also trying not to get lost into what people have said about me. I remember Junior year I was not looking good with my glasses and greasy hair. I remember two girls I talked to every so often, and they told me I was pretty. She said she would have voted for me for Homecoming Queen, but more girls were more popular. I tended to ignore the compliment, as I usually do. I do not take compliments well. It is not that I am not grateful about the things said about me. I just find it hard to take it when I cannot even acknowledge it to myself.

During that time I felt like I could not look the best I could. I wore baggy things, and I just weirdly tried to look bad. I do not know what I was thinking. I guess since I could not control the way things were going for me I just decided to let it all be. I gained weight. I did not have a skin routine, and I ate again whatever I wanted. It began the cycle again. My friends say they did not see a change in my weight or body. My family said I looked better with a little weight on. I felt a little uncomfortable. This is what I did not want. I did not want people looking at me. It was quite ironic. I never put those two things together. Anyways, I was confused because it was not healthy weight being put on. Before I was seen just as the skinny girl. Even when I was at my heaviest weight a boy told me my Senior year I was skinny. I was nowhere near as naturally skinny as I was before. This was me just naturally getting into my body shape.

In society, there is such an emphasis on body image. My body type before was what people wanted to be. I was just naturally like that. I then gain weight, and I am still considered one thing. I notice weight being added to my face. I do not want to lose weight like freshmen year, but I want to gain muscle. I want to get a defined stomach, and I want to be strong. I was always the weak one. I want to be strong on the outside, but also within. I have been lifting weights, and I have seen some improvement. I was not happy either way with my body, and people always had a comment on it. I need to love my body from me.

I want to put work in it not to fit a norm, but to fit into myself.

I want to love myself. I do not want to get approval from a certain gender or particular group of people. People are always going to have a picture of what they think is beautiful. I need to learn that I will be for some people, but also I am not to some people. It should be nothing against me personally, but that is just what they feel. I mean I do the same. I need to hear what I feel. I do not want to get lost in the thoughts of others. It is hard enough to go through this in my own head.

I may not be where I was freshmen year, but I am glad for that. On paper, it might have seemed like I had my life together, but it was more that I ignored all the bad. I just put on a good face to mask all the confusion I had. I know that being talked about in middle school has made me the person I am today. I would never put someone in that position, so I treat everyone with the same respect. I like to make every person feel worth it because sometimes we have to do it for people who cannot do it for themselves.

I want to be a better person not only for myself, but for my sister. I do not want my sister to go through this stuff, but it happens to everyone. I just want to show her there is another side. There is a way to keep your head up high. She can learn from my mistakes. I sure have made plenty.

There are so many things that I have kept to myself. I like that, but I also know I have to confront it. I have to just dive in and not just stop at the surface. We are all complicated people, and I need to accept all of me for me.

I may get lost in life because of all the things that will be thrown at me, but I will not lose myself. I learn more about myself everyday. It is quite exciting.

I cannot wait to learn more about myself and the world. Also, more significantly what I can do the for world. I will do what I can to stay me.

I will not get lost.

Thank you for reading. I hope you have a good day!

-Alyssa

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