April 5, 2016 | 4:11 p.m.

Kumasta! – Hello in Tagalog ( I feel I have already used this one, but I like this one.)

It has been quite awhile since my last post. I already warned myself that I was going to stop doing the everyday thing because I was starting to lose the essence of why I was doing these blog posts. I wanted to have this be a time for me to figure out things by myself, and I also wanted to dive deeper into myself to confront how I feel. I want to simultaneously break down my wall and stand up for myself. That is such a conflicting image. Anyways, I feel that right now I am not doing that.

This semester has goine by really quickly. I will be done by the end of the month. The end is near, but yet I still feel so trapped. I think right now I am at a loss for what I am feeling. I am stressed, but then again I am usually stressed. A good amount of stress is always healthy to keep me on my toes, but I feel like I cannot even jump from the ground. I am stuck. I do not know the apparent reason for this stuck, slugglish state of mine. I think for one thing I have lost routine. I do not work out as much as I did, I do not eat as healthy as before, so I guess my energy is down because of that. I am dealing with one class that I feel I am drowning in when I am really not. In perspective I feel like I am drowning, but yet I am not. I somehow keep myself there by not putting in more initaitve. I am overwhelmed on where I am now that I just close off. Today was a hard day. I have a report due tomorrow, and I barely started it. I procrastinated on the report for that hard class. I am setting myself up for failure. I always make an excuse on these things. I feel like I never want to know how hard I work, so I won’t know that my hardest was not good enough. I give myself that cushion. I want to achieve so much with my life, but I am also scared.

I feel that I ironically go against my own advice. I find it so easy to comfort others. I always tell people “everything happens for a reason”, and “it is supposed to happen when it the right time”. How is that for a general quote everyone knows about? I always feel better when I say it because I like thinking about the future, but now I am not taking the necessary steps to get to that point where I will succeed. It is an uphill battle with me. I say those things, but I am not like the people around me that make it happen. I am not going out of the box to do what I want to do.

I like going to the quote “do what you have to do until you can do what you want to do” by Oprah Winfrey. I know I do, but it is really hard. I feel dirty. I pay attention to unimportant things. I make sweeping generalizations about others when the biggest problem is myself. I have been working hard on my per se prejudices. I preach to everyone about racial prejudices, but there are other types also. I assume one thing about someone, and I think about that one thing to encompass everything they are. I have ignored myself and what I am feeling to feed into this never ending hole. I do not hurt myself, but I feel because I do not try I will never get any closer to being better. I think now I feel like I have to sit back, and I have to put my mind into focus. I think the frustrating part is that I do not know what I want to do yet, so it is hard wokring hard for the unknown. I am trying to find a muse.

I think I really need to take time now in my life to not only tell myself, but also I want to feel that I am worth the hard work. I am not second-rate. I need to put myself out there. I took a personality test, and I knew beforehand that I want to do things like travel the world, public-speak, and I want to do unconventional things. After I took the test I realized I go back to my comfort zone. I keep myself in a box. I just want to set myself free. I have no problem making a fool out of myself, but I need to find the passion to do it first. I am taking psychology, and I feel like I have uncovered another layer of myself. I think I out-witted myself, but really I have soooooo much to learn. I used to think I had a clearer head on things compared to people my age, but really I lack in what my generation does not in. It is a give-and-take. It is impossible to compare yourself to people. I need to stop because the biggest enemy I have is me right now.

I think I just need to cleanse myself figuratively, (also physically because my allergies), because I need to move forward. No need to wait for a single day. Today I started off on a bad start, but right now I am making one little 10 degree turn to turning my life around. I am not going down under, I again would love to go to Austrailia, but I will slowly swim up. Even if I do not know how to swim. Wow, I felt so rough when writing this. I feel better by doing this.

Thank you for reading this post! I hope you have a wonderful day!

-Alyssa

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